pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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