i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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