you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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