it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
