My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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