I want to make a zoo with you.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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