dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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