I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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