time to smoke my breakfast
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
