Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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