saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
