pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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