After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
