Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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