Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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