what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
