Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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