I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
