i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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