I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
