We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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