I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
