batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize