i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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