I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
