hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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