What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
