I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
