I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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