I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Boobs speak an international language.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
