you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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