Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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