Is it because I queefed?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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