I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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