the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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