hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
