I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it