I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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