Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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