Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
