in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
