Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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