i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
