chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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