My first STD was from a foam party
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wish there were birth control emojis
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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