I feel like I'm in dance class right now
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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