Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
