Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
