good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
