I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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