I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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