I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
