i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
