and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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