so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
