Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
