So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
