Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
