im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
