i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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