I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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